She suddenly realized she hated her husband

This turbulence in her mind felt endless, despite having read all of the mindfulness books. She had gone to the yoga retreat in Thailand. She had gone to the meditation retreat in Bali. She had even paid to speak to a suspiciously well-compensated monk, asking him what she could do to rid herself of this turbulence. He had identified that she was unhappy about something in her life – what a brilliant insight, she had thought. ‘I may as well have phoned a psychic hotline.’

She stared out the airplane window as the plane soared over fluffy clouds. They were about 30 minutes away from London. Once the plane landed, she knew she would be hit with the excitement of Christmas everywhere – it was only two weeks away. All of the pressure for shopping. The Christmas music. She had no idea what she was going to buy the kids, but Amazon would have to suffice; she just couldn’t face the busyness of the shops.

Suddenly, the plane lurched – they had hit a patch of turbulence in starting the descent. The seatbelt sign went on. She gazed out the window as the plane jostled around and thought about how many times she had done this trip before. She loved approaching London from the east, seeing the Thames snake through the city like a picture on a postcard. But she hated the turbulence due to the wind; it wasn’t uncommon.

She suddenly realized she hated her husband, too. ‘Hate’ is a strong word, she chided herself, and she would never speak it aloud – but ‘yes,’ she thought, ‘I really do hate him.’ That’s what the monk must have picked up on. She had blamed London, her job, even her difficulties with her three year-old, as the source of her unhappiness. But at the end of the day, she really hated her husband.

She twisted her rings on her finger – the platinum and sapphire engagement ring she hadn’t wanted. She had found out later that it was chosen for an ex who had wanted a sapphire, but who had ultimately said ‘no.’ Now she understood why the ex had said ‘no.’ And the mis-matched gold wedding band. Who buys a gold wedding band to pair with a platinum engagement ring? Her husband, apparently. Because he wanted gold, and they came in a set. She suspected he had wanted gold so that he could take it on and off and pretend like he was Frodo from Lord of the Rings. Or Gollum. She snorted to herself… that would be his new nickname, in her mind. Gollum. She would never speak it, but it would be her little secret, and would get her through the coming months.

A plan was forming fast in her mind – so fast that it seemed both unrealistic and entirely right, because it came from her gut. She would leave her husband. And in doing so, she would leave London. She would take the kids traveling for a few months in Asia, in the summer. She didn’t think she could be a full-time homeschooler, but they could just go away for the summer. And then they would come back to the UK but live in some small village a couple hours outside London. Her husband could come and collect them for weekends and they could do children’s activities like visit Legoland. Gollum would enjoy those sorts of parenting activities… the only parenting he was able to adequately do, was the ‘fun dad’ stuff. It had always been that way. Losing him through divorce would just be like losing a third child. She almost smiled a little at the thought.

But how to get started? The process would take months; probably close to a year, she guessed, and that’s if he didn’t try and fight over something. She slid both rings off her finger and placed them on the tray table in front of her, staring at them. The plane lurched again and the rings slid off onto the airplane floor. As she frantically bent to retrieve them, a stewardess scurried over – “you need to stow the tray table, ma’am, we’re about to land.”

She grabbed the gold ring and banged her head on the tray table as she sat up to fold it up and into the seat in front of her – then, bending down again, seatbelt digging into her stomach, she peered around under the seats, trying to see the sapphire ring. The plane slammed into the runway – a hard landing, given the turbulence. Finally she saw that bit of blue, far back underneath her seat, up against the handbag of the person behind her.

She stood up, intending to ask that passenger to retrieve it. But then, suddenly, impulsively, she decided to just exit the plane, without so much as a word. Walking down the aisle, she smiled. It was a first step towards freedom.