A month on Saaremaa island, Estonia – February 2024

I first visited the island of Saaremaa, Estonia in September, 2020 on a mini solo trip. Saaremaa is gorgeous in late summer, with temps still mild enough to enjoy the outdoors without a jacket. It was COVID times, so there were hardly any tourists, and I got a cut-rate Airbnb cottage on the beach, where I sat alone and watched the sunset. Cows occasionally sauntered past the cottage window in the adjacent pasture. The drive to the nearest town took 30 minutes. I was only there for a week, but the place stuck with me.

Fast-forward to February 2024. On a last-minute whim, my friend Dan and I decided to stay on Saaremaa island for a month. Foreign tourists don’t generally go to Saaremaa – or much of anywhere in Estonia – in February, as it’s still quite cold and still quite dark. But Dan and I were both in the mood to try something offbeat. We posted an appeal on Facebook for a place to stay, and ended up on the remote north coast of the island, in what we would come to call The Cabin in the Woods.

I hadn’t been isolated with another human for quite so long, in quite a while, but I felt drawn in by the adventure of the remoteness even as I was wary of the potential to go crazy. This was the sort of adventure that my unsettled mid-20’s self would have read about enviously on some weirdo’s travel blog, before shaking off the idea and going off for beers and pub food on a Saturday night in Chicago.

My still-unsettled mid-30’s self is now that weirdo. And so, off we went, myself and my weirdo partner-in-crime.

The ferry across to Saaremaa from the Estonian mainland cut through ice, creating a trail of small icebergs behind it as it made the crossing. Earlier in the day, Dan had put up with me trying on 15 different pairs of waterproof pants in Decathlon, delaying us by 20 minutes (*cough* an hour and a half *cough*). But this meant that the timing of our delayed ferry ride was ultimately during a vivid sunset; a gorgeous contrast with the white icy sea. Dan had never seen ice like that before. I was reminded of how I used to gaze out at the ice over Lake Michigan in winter, visible from my office building in Chicago.

There’s something about the pine forests of Estonia that soothe me in a way I haven’t encountered anywhere else on earth – and I was so glad to be back among the pines on Saaremaa island, where the pine forests are especially stunning. Waking up that first morning in Saaremaa, surrounded mostly by pine trees, with a lovely open field also in view, prompted the biggest smile as I sipped my coffee. I love the way the light filters through the pines; the contrast of green pine needles against white snow. I love the silence of the pine forest; the peace. I’ve been saying for years that this is my “backup life plan” – I’ll buy a tiny house and live in the pine forest in Estonia, with a dog I don’t yet own. This wasn’t a tiny house – it was a full-size, four-bedroom vacation home – and instead of a dog, Dan was around, so it didn’t quite match my dream. But it was still a decent sample experience.

The weather was far from perfect. I was hoping for constant snow – the sort of snow I had been encouraging Dan to fall in love with, and the sort of snow that would be typical of an Estonian February. But thanks to (presumably) climate change, we were greeted with a mix of mud and ice, and only had snow for a little under a week during our stay. When it did snow, though, it was such a cozy scene; Dan at the table and me on the sofa, hunched over our laptops with a fire going. But even when it just “fogged,” or “misted,” with that deeply unpleasant damp cold as though it were an English winter… even then, the coziness made it lovely. I over-bought candles for the month; I think about 200 tealights, and other assorted larger sizes. I’m still working through that candle stash, but have no regrets. Maintaining the cozy vibe was top priority.

Going into the month, I had goals for my business, goals for writing, goals for home workouts, goals goals goals.

Those goals ended up supplemented by different goals. I set a goal for both myself and Dan to have one childish moment per day; it took some urging, but ultimately, he got on board. My childish moments included hopping, somewhat frog-like, on the deserted beach – the sort of thing you’ll only really do, as an adult, in the company of one other person who is equally weird. I won’t reveal Dan’s childish behavior; he’d deny it ever happened, anyway. But it’s amazing how being completely secluded allows you to start acting a bit silly, for no reason other than the joy of it all – and to then feel completely okay about it.

I also did a LOT of reflection, curled up in a comfy yellow armchair upstairs, huddled under a big duvet that engulfed me completely. It was as though the seclusion and safety allowed me to think about things that my brain just ordinarily won’t deal with. All of the ‘noise’ of day-to-day life was cut out; and so, in this cozy cabin on a remote island in Estonia, I was able to think through all the thoughts – even the challenging, sometimes-painful thoughts. And then, when that got too trying, I could run down the stairs and startle Dan out of his work-and-podcast-induced stupor, and we would collaborate on dinner or fire-building. Some people need absolute solitude to think their deepest thoughts, but on Saaremaa, I realized that ‘almost-solitude’ is my optimal state. Dan played the role of an unobtrusive fellow introvert, happy to respect my peace, but also happy to play around and lighten the mood. Kind of like that perfect dog I don’t own yet.

By the time I left Saaremaa, mentally, I felt freer than I had in years; that sounds cliché, but isn’t an exaggeration. On Saaremaa, I didn’t come up with a new business name; nor did I update the financial projections I kept putting off. But with the mental cobwebs cleared out, those things came easily in the weeks after I left. Suddenly, I wasn’t just tweaking financial projections; I was creating an entirely new business model. I was writing emails I had put off writing for months. I was organizing things I had put off organizing for… longer than months. Nothing else changed, really – I’m back in the city now, back to noise from neighboring apartments, back at the same gym. But my month on Saaremaa sparked a mental change that, I suspect, couldn’t have been replicated many other places on earth.

I’m so glad I went.